Simon's Metaphor of the Day #1

"But I'm not done wiping!"

Cake

Fine, I'l throw my own party, with my own cake, in my own mouth.

Diff'rent Strokes for Diff'rent Codes

A: Is there anythign else we can drop?  Like, we can drop cheese but we can't drop bacon?
W: The bacon was taken out of the game a while back.  The cheese is deadly enough on its own.
A: The bacon took three coders seven years to code. That's why it was removed.

Breast Feeding Could Save the World

"Yeah, daddy's the same."

New Mom

"Yeah! The milk bar is back!"

What Science is For

The best chicken would be born featherless, lay fried eggs, shit gravy, roll in batter, and jump into a deep fryer.

Jesus, the Teenage Years

"Son, you've been in there for a long time now. You know your dad told you you'll go blind if you do that!"

"Stop turning the water into wine!"

"I never knew my father!"

"Fuck you, mom!"

Package for You

"I only checked this today because I opened up a package at work to find the dead skin of a unicorn."

Allergies

Right now I have like a pressure bubble right here and I'm waiting for it to get to the point where it creates a pop inside my face.

Just Checking In

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Male/Female Animator Salaries

"The difference in salary would cover the costs of the surgery."

Twilight

"It's not an action movie, it's sparkly vampire porn."